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Test Your Canine Knowledge

The Caninologist

It is spring. What better way to celebrate than to take Bay Woof’s first Caninology Quiz? Look for answers in a future issue. Subscribe now!

 

1. Why do dogs eat grass?

A. Dogs know when they need to puke up something, and grass makes them puke.

B. A dog can sense if its diet lacks certain micronutrients which a dog also knows may be obtained only by eating certain grass.

C. Dogs love the tickling sensation of blades of grass passing down their gullets.

D. No one knows.

 

2. Why do dogs sniff the noses of some dogs and the butts of others?

A. Some dogs have very
nice-smelling noses.

B. Some dogs have very
nice-smelling butts.

C. A dog smells the nose of another dog only by mistake.

D. No one knows.

 

3. What is the absolute lowest a journalist can sink?

A. Three or more days of heavy drinking followed by unspeakable acts of depravity.

B. Writing a science column for a dog magazine.

C. Writing a cat column
for a dog magazine.

D. Yet to be determined.

 

4. Do dogs like the smell of human farts?

A. Yes

B. No

C. Actually, dogs love the smell of human farts.

D. Further research is needed.

 

5. Why do dogs hate the U.S. Postal Service?

A. They are concerned about the impact on the federal deficit of endless subsidies for what should be a fully privatized service.

B. Hate the uniforms. C’mon people: Those are shoes???

C. It’s a sign of disrespect to a dog for someone to walk up and drop something inedible in front of it like I wasn’t standing here screaming at you.

 

6. Can dogs fall in love?

A. Of course they do.

B. Of course they don’t.

C. No. Only fools fall in love, and dogs ain’t fools.

 

7. Why do some dogs like to eat watermelon and others don’t?

A. Some dogs will eat anything crunchy.

B. Some dogs will eat anything that attracts flies, while others prefer the smell of rotting flesh.

C. All dogs like watermelon, but some prefer to save room for Jell-O.

 

9. Why do dogs roll around in the grass?

A. It’s an excuse to show off their genitalia.

B. Scratches where it itches.

C. Why not?

 

7. Which dog was smarter, Lassie or Rin Tin Tin?

A. Lassie

B. Rin Tin Tin

C. Both are equally stupid — all the “intelligence” was Hollywood trickery.

D. Lassie — just look at the residuals from the European market.

 

10. Would “woof woof” or “bow wow” be the more accurate way to quote a dog?

A. Woof woof.

B. Bow wow.

C. Fake news! Dogs never talk, not even if subpoenaed. No cur-lusion!

 

11. What is more crooked, a dog’s hind leg or the crookedest street in the world?

A. A dog’s hind leg — Lombard Street, by the way, isn’t even the crookedest street in San Francisco.

B. A dog’s hind leg.

C. A dog’s hind’s leg, and that’s final.

 

12. What is the origin of the phrase “doggone it?”

A. Euphemism for “goddamn it.”

B. Simile for “wang-dang-doodle it.”

C. Discourse marker meaning “that’s all folks.”

 

Carl T. Hall, executive officer of the Pacific Media Workers Guild, is a longtime science reporter and journalism instructor who is allergic to cats. He lives in the Bayview neighborhood where he and some business partners will soon be opening a dog-friendly cafe, Word.

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Main article photo by: Photos by damedeeso-istock and MarkoNOVKOV-istock