article image

Catch Me If You Can

“Fido, I see you’re working on an Org Chart.”

“I am forming a new Mountain Town Government. The one we have now is lacking a few things.”

“That’s mighty ambitious, though, forming a new government just for mountain towns. It would take a vote to do that, by each town.”

“Hey, hey, hey, hey! I already have some slogans that I’m trying out with each town’s neighborhood dogs. I have ‘Make America Bark Again!’ and I have another one, too: ‘I’m With Fido!’”

“Those are snappy, Fido, but they’re too general and not really specific to little towns in the mountains. Can you bring it down from 50,000 feet?”

“Is that an elevation?”

“No, Mr. Big, it’s a metaphor. But someone on each of the Hound Councils could actually take the phrase literally, I suppose.”

“I’m not real keen on the way most humans decide stuff around towns like ours, anyway. There is not enough air, and that’s why we need a new Mountain Town Government.”

“OK, Fido, so what do you have so far?”

“I am instituting a proposal for a ‘Strong Dog’ form of government. We elect a single Citizen Dog, pay him or her the appropriate number of biscuits for their work and let the chips fall where they may.”

“I have a feeling I know where the ‘chips’ would fall, Big Boy.”

“That’s why we should have a town ordinance saying humans should pick up after their dogs.”

“Fido, I am in complete agreement, but that doesn’t mean we have to change the form of the Town Government. And as for the Strong Dog proposal, that’s great if the people get the right dog, but if they vote poorly, there would be heck to pay for at least four years. Can you imagine a poodle as Mayor?””

“We have one now, right here in Mammoth! Anyway, all the dogs in the ’hood thought the last election didn’t do them any good.”

“Fido, a lot of humans thought that way too, but that is an easy cop-out. Complaining, that is.”

“Dogs don’t complain.”

“It’s worse with dogs, Fido. They whine. They whine to go out, whine to come back in, whine for supper, whine for breakfast.”

“We whine for flowers, too!”

“I don’t get it.”

“What, you’ve never you’ve never heard of the ‘Days of Whine and Roses?’ ”

“We were talking about changing the structure of Town Governments, weren’t we?”

“I’d bring back dog catchers.”

“That surprises me to her you say that, Fido.”

“A lot of humans think dogs hate the dog catcher, but we don’t, because even we get lost sometimes and need some help getting home. Our humans get search-and-rescue, but we got nothing. Diddly. Squadoosh.”

“Then why do dogs run away from the dog catcher?”

“I think it’s force of habit, or it’s genetic, or something like that.”

“What would you do with all the dog catchers, though?”

“I’d make them sworn officers on the local PD. We’d be great at things like helping to break up bar fights, and we could learn avalanche safety, and help the CERT people find people in need of help. It wouldn’t be all fun and games.”

“It sounds like hard work to me.”

“But we’d get biscuit rewards! There would be our usual allotment, plus extra for whenever we do a good deed.”

“I’m still not sure you’dneed to change a town’s government to accomplish that. It seems like you could organize the dogs in the neighborhoods and come up with a plan, Fido.”

“Out in the rural parts of the counties, they could be ‘Deputy Dawgs!’ ”

“Is there anything else you’d like to see happen here in the mountains?”

“We could start by arresting all the cats and throwing them in the shelter because they are known dog terrorists, and we would build a wall to keep them out until we’re sure it’s safe.”

“Safe from what?”

“I don’t know! See, that’s the beauty of it!”

“Want to go for a walk?”

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!”

Main article photo by: George Shirk