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Dogs Have Some Advantages Over Kids

The Caninologist

So dogs are the new children. Nothing against children, but dogs do have some advantages.

They don’t talk back or argue. Sometimes our dog, Trixie, gives me a very accusatory look when I leave the house without her. But otherwise I suffer no repercussions whatsoever when I abandon her for hours. That old holiday movie, Home Alone, wouldn’t have been funny if it were a dog instead of a kid left behind. People leave dogs home alone all the time.

Dogs eat things like dried hog tracheas. They love parts of meat no child would touch. If you drop an oily piece of salmon skin on the floor, the dog will eat it right up. Try that with a child.

Cooking is much easier with dog children. Just open a bag of dog food and put some in a bowl, maybe with a nice side of chilled water. Delicious!

Trixie was a failure in puppy school. Big deal. No need for special tutors. Even if we’d hired a trainer, something tells me she’d still never have gotten into Cal, or even Stanford.

I live in San Francisco, where children have been abolished due to the high cost of housing them. Dogs, on the other hand, don’t need extra bedrooms. They just need some designer furniture to chew on, maybe a nice expensive rug or two to ruin. Small price to pay for a child.

One bathroom is plenty for a typical San Francisco household with 2.0 adults and a dog. Just take the dog to the nearest abandoned playground now used as a homeless encampment. Just watch out for sharp objects in the sandboxes.

Children under a certain age used to get a discount at the movies. In dog years, those kids were taking up seats well into their 50s. Now, we just leave the dog kid at home, maybe with a nice piece of moose antler to chew on, and everybody’s happy.

The original version of children were cute, at least before they grew up, but puppies are the very essence of cute. They wag their little tails and jump around on the floor right from the start. Babies take weeks to master tricks like that.

Studies have shown that having a dog as part of the family makes you happier. With children, on the other hand, it can be a mixed bag, let me tell you.

Even though we don’t allow children to live in San Francisco anymore, I am almost certain a few must still be out there somewhere, judging from all the vaping devices being sold. Probably in Fresno.

We also seem to be worrying a lot about things like climate change, everywhere but Washington, D.C. Trump must be onto something. Why worry about anything that will happen 50 years from now? We will all be dead anyway. Even our dogs will be long gone.

It will be up to children to find a way out of this mess we leave them.

Sorry, kids. You’re the new guinea pigs.

Carl T. Hall is a longtime union organizer in San Francisco who is now a co-owner of Word A Cafe, a dog-friendly coffee shop now open for business in the Bayview neighborhood. 

Main article photo by: Photo by ND3000-istock